i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
