The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
