I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
