I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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