Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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