I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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