Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
