I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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