She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
