I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
