She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
