My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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