Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
