I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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