i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
not ubering you a puppy
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
