please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
