remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
