Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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