Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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