The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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