Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
