ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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