I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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