Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
