i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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