the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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