I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
