did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
