i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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