I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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