My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
