It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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