she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
