i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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