I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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