the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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