My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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