Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
