if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My ATM looks so different sober.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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