shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
