he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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