The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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