Michael Bay diarrhea
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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