I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
