I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
