I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
