I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
