She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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