ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
