I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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