I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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