I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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