Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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