why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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