and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
