Where is the hickey?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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