just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
